There’s definitely days where I feel like being a dad is the only thing I’m really good at. To the point where when I think about my job, or the things that I’m truly passionate about spending my life doing, Dad always comes first. It informs all the other things. The things I’m drawn towards illustrating, the stories I want to tell, the things and the work that I want to do. That seems like a pretty awesome gig except I have to make a living too, and I’m not sure how to do that.
I’m not sure how to move forward anymore. I feel trapped in this persona I’ve built up around myself so the stories I desperately want to tell, I can’t. I keep walking toward the mountain, but it’s not getting any closer. That big step…that leap of faith is…I’m not sure how do drop into the pool if I don’t know where the pool is. So I take commissions and look at the illustrator for hire posts that my friends send me and check out books from the library and am applying to be a night janitor to help make up the difference. And all the while my own personal demon, that crushing self doubt tells me that I’m not good enough. It tells me that I need to update my portfolio with work that suits this thing or that better. That I don’t have the grit to stick with it and follow through.
And so I’m at a crossroads with no sign post. All paths are dark. All paths seem to lead to the mountain.
I’ve gotten some really fun commission work the past month or so. I really enjoyed these gray scale farm animals, and hope that I get to do more of them in the future. Combining the Roller Derby portrait with custom graphics for stickers and shirt is kind of amazing too, and I’m super pumped about how this one turned out.
My goal for this week is to seriously focus on maintenance and actually explore the things that I can do now to help myself as well as see some of the things that I can work towards in the future to make this sustainable.
Thanks for being here. Thank you for your continued support. I appreciate all of you.
Until next time, take care and be good.